After a bit of panic, I have come up with 2013's One Little Work - FOCUS. As in...Focus on my life, my weight, my passions, my family, me. I have started realizing toward the end of this year that I let myself get very swept up in other people's lives and drama which makes my life seem unimportant and scattered, unorganized and out of control. I'm going to FOCUS on me and the three people living under my roof while I still have valuable time with them. I think this word must have been taking shape when I let Camp go this year. After 10 years of planning and obsessing and being let down and stressed over and over - I decided this year that I had to step back, let it go and focus on my life. It was not an easy thing to do because I know letting go means there is a 99% chance that Camp will not happen in 2013 and that makes me sad. However, putting too much focus on Camp takes it away from the really important things in my life.
As much as I love my friends, it's time to step back from their drama and pettiness. I'm not turning my back on my friends but I am no longer going to let myself get wrapped up in their lives over mine. No more feeling guilty over not getting together with them because my family comes first.
I need to focus on time with my grandmother also. I know she's not going to be here forever and I'm losing precious time with her by getting so swept up in other parts of life.
So FOCUS it is.....take that 2013!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Friday, December 21, 2012
12/14/12
9/11 is a date that will not be forgotten by the people of my generation just like 12/7 is a day that will live in infamy for the people of my grandparent's generation. You would assume that the tragedy of 9/11 would be the only such event worthy of a date remembrance, that is until last Friday - 12/14/12. The day that one very sad, very twisted individual started his day by destroying his computers, shooting his mother in her bed and taking two handguns and an automatic rifle to Sandy Hook Elementary school in Newtown, CT. The day that this same young man decided that his anger over something we may never understand justified breaking into this elementary school and creating a carnage that would leave it's mark on the entire country. He broke in thru a window since the school had security measures to keep their young students safe behind locked doors during school hours. He took the lives of twenty first graders that fateful day. Twenty babies with their whole lives ahead of them. Twenty beautiful, loving, happy children who went off to school that morning with nary a care in the world. He also took the lives of their principal, a substitute teacher, the school psychiatrist, a first grade teacher and two other school employees. Women who chose a career working with, educating, and protecting children on a daily basis.
The saddest part of 12/14/12 is that the shooter will live in infamy. His name will be remembered with the likes of Timothy McVay, Dylan Klebold, and James Holmes.....all young men who took it upon themselves to take innocent lives for reasons never fully understood. But those precious babies and their brave educators names will eventually be forgotten by all except their family and close friends.
After the Christmas holidays, the students of Sandy Hook will head to a temporary school and nothing will ever be the same for them again. The principal will not be there to assure them something like this cannot and will not ever happen again in Newtown. The first graders will be in new classrooms, with new teachers and missing twenty friends. A beautiful and brave young teacher named Vicki Soto will not be there to teach them math and reading. How do these survivors survive? How long does it take to put something like this far enough in your review mirror that you can go a day without fear or sadness? How long do those surviving first graders feel the guilt of being one of the "lucky ones"? Do you really consider yourself "lucky" when you've lost so much in such a short time? Do the people late for work in NY on 9/11 pat themselves on the back today because they were so "lucky" to have gotten stuck in traffic that fateful day? Do the men who left Pearl Harbor on 12/6 feel "lucky" that they were on their way home to their families when all their buddies were fighting the fight of their lives on that beautiful Hawaiian island? I have a sinking feeling the answer is "no, they never felt lucky". Instead they felt guilty. I hate to imaging a beautiful group of seven year-olds with their whole lives ahead of them spending the rest of their lives feeling guilty.
And I think I will always feel a little guilty for feeling "lucky" that I didn't live in New York on 9/11 or Newtown, CT on 12/14.
The saddest part of 12/14/12 is that the shooter will live in infamy. His name will be remembered with the likes of Timothy McVay, Dylan Klebold, and James Holmes.....all young men who took it upon themselves to take innocent lives for reasons never fully understood. But those precious babies and their brave educators names will eventually be forgotten by all except their family and close friends.
After the Christmas holidays, the students of Sandy Hook will head to a temporary school and nothing will ever be the same for them again. The principal will not be there to assure them something like this cannot and will not ever happen again in Newtown. The first graders will be in new classrooms, with new teachers and missing twenty friends. A beautiful and brave young teacher named Vicki Soto will not be there to teach them math and reading. How do these survivors survive? How long does it take to put something like this far enough in your review mirror that you can go a day without fear or sadness? How long do those surviving first graders feel the guilt of being one of the "lucky ones"? Do you really consider yourself "lucky" when you've lost so much in such a short time? Do the people late for work in NY on 9/11 pat themselves on the back today because they were so "lucky" to have gotten stuck in traffic that fateful day? Do the men who left Pearl Harbor on 12/6 feel "lucky" that they were on their way home to their families when all their buddies were fighting the fight of their lives on that beautiful Hawaiian island? I have a sinking feeling the answer is "no, they never felt lucky". Instead they felt guilty. I hate to imaging a beautiful group of seven year-olds with their whole lives ahead of them spending the rest of their lives feeling guilty.
And I think I will always feel a little guilty for feeling "lucky" that I didn't live in New York on 9/11 or Newtown, CT on 12/14.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Really?
My daughter is a 5 foot 10 inch Sophomore in HS. My son is a gangly second grader. I'm a 43 year old, content, underachiever who takes on too much and tries to do it all with flash.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Loss
Loss is all around me these days.....the loss of a beloved family member, friends losing parents, the loss of my memory and some days my mind and a loss of weight. This is my story on the only happy loss in my life......
In May of 2010, my father emailed me about his "latest brainstorm". A friend of the family had recently seen quick and seemingly easy success with losing weight thru a program called Slim 4 Life. My father and I had both let our weight get completely out of control but neither of us thought we had gotten "too big". However, we both thought the other better get themselves under control before it was too late. My father feared I would become a diabetic just like my great grandmother, grandmother and uncle. I feared he would stroke out or have a heart attack from all the excess weight he was carrying in his stomach and chest. When my father sent that fateful email, I figured it was another "hairbrained impulsive" idea just like most of his ideas and if I kept real quiet and still - it would go away. However, next thing I know he's dragging my brother to the S4L center to see what it was all about. Then I'm being told that I have to show up for my first meeting at the center that following Thursday. Doubtful, irritated, dubious, hesitant were just a few words to describe what I was feeling the days leading up to my first appointment at S4L. I remained all of those things thru the meeting and even for that first week while I binged on all the protein I could stuff in my face and began the "cleansing process". I was so determined to make this work for my father - thankful that he was willing to do this for himself. It still never crossed my mind that I had a lot of weight to lose. Even when I stepped on the scale for the first time and they registered a weight of 268.7 - it still didn't register that not only had I gotten really big but I was almost 20 lbs higher than my "high weight" (the weight I told myself I'd never ever go above under any circumstances).
Feeling tremendous guilt over the amount of money my father was spending for the two of us to give this a go - I jumped in with both feet. I cut out Diet Coke, alcohol, almost all starch and began a new 800 - 1000 calorie a day diet plan. I liked that the plan encouraged a Food Pyramid style of living - protein, fruit, veggies, limited starch and fat. Considering I must have been existing on over twice that amount of calories on a good day, the switch was easier than I thought. However, there were days that all I could do was obsess about food. Then there were days that I had to force myself to eat everything I was supposed to in a day. They told me repeatedly that eating all the food and supplements every day was an important part of this process. Lo' and behold, the days I did as recommended were the days I lost weight. Go figure!
I'm not done by a long shot but I am down about 53 lbs. I want to get down to about 180 but have been stuck at around 215 for about six weeks. It's self sabotage for sure. Loss of focus. Life got in the way. Whatever it is, I'm well aware that my journey is not over and the longest part is still ahead of me. I'm proud of the fact that I made it thru the holidays without gaining but on the flip side - I should be at my goal already and that didn't happen so I am disappointed in myself.
Just as I am almost to the mindset that I need to get 100% back on track - I see someone who hasn't seen me in awhile. They will go on and on about how great I look and how proud they are of me. Boy is that a great feeling but the downside is that I start buying into the idea that maybe I don't need to lose anymore. Heck, size 14 is a great size to be! Everyone is proud of me, right? But I know it's not good enough. 215 is too close to 225 which leads to 250 and so on. I have to get myself back on track............so that I can continue this amazing journey of good loss!
In May of 2010, my father emailed me about his "latest brainstorm". A friend of the family had recently seen quick and seemingly easy success with losing weight thru a program called Slim 4 Life. My father and I had both let our weight get completely out of control but neither of us thought we had gotten "too big". However, we both thought the other better get themselves under control before it was too late. My father feared I would become a diabetic just like my great grandmother, grandmother and uncle. I feared he would stroke out or have a heart attack from all the excess weight he was carrying in his stomach and chest. When my father sent that fateful email, I figured it was another "hairbrained impulsive" idea just like most of his ideas and if I kept real quiet and still - it would go away. However, next thing I know he's dragging my brother to the S4L center to see what it was all about. Then I'm being told that I have to show up for my first meeting at the center that following Thursday. Doubtful, irritated, dubious, hesitant were just a few words to describe what I was feeling the days leading up to my first appointment at S4L. I remained all of those things thru the meeting and even for that first week while I binged on all the protein I could stuff in my face and began the "cleansing process". I was so determined to make this work for my father - thankful that he was willing to do this for himself. It still never crossed my mind that I had a lot of weight to lose. Even when I stepped on the scale for the first time and they registered a weight of 268.7 - it still didn't register that not only had I gotten really big but I was almost 20 lbs higher than my "high weight" (the weight I told myself I'd never ever go above under any circumstances).
Feeling tremendous guilt over the amount of money my father was spending for the two of us to give this a go - I jumped in with both feet. I cut out Diet Coke, alcohol, almost all starch and began a new 800 - 1000 calorie a day diet plan. I liked that the plan encouraged a Food Pyramid style of living - protein, fruit, veggies, limited starch and fat. Considering I must have been existing on over twice that amount of calories on a good day, the switch was easier than I thought. However, there were days that all I could do was obsess about food. Then there were days that I had to force myself to eat everything I was supposed to in a day. They told me repeatedly that eating all the food and supplements every day was an important part of this process. Lo' and behold, the days I did as recommended were the days I lost weight. Go figure!
I'm not done by a long shot but I am down about 53 lbs. I want to get down to about 180 but have been stuck at around 215 for about six weeks. It's self sabotage for sure. Loss of focus. Life got in the way. Whatever it is, I'm well aware that my journey is not over and the longest part is still ahead of me. I'm proud of the fact that I made it thru the holidays without gaining but on the flip side - I should be at my goal already and that didn't happen so I am disappointed in myself.
Just as I am almost to the mindset that I need to get 100% back on track - I see someone who hasn't seen me in awhile. They will go on and on about how great I look and how proud they are of me. Boy is that a great feeling but the downside is that I start buying into the idea that maybe I don't need to lose anymore. Heck, size 14 is a great size to be! Everyone is proud of me, right? But I know it's not good enough. 215 is too close to 225 which leads to 250 and so on. I have to get myself back on track............so that I can continue this amazing journey of good loss!
Monday, January 9, 2012
2012 - I have a DREAM
So it's that time of year where I'm going to pick my Word of the Year! Funny thing is, the past few years I've struggled with my word because nothing jumped out at me. This year - the word came to me long before 2011 ended. My word is DREAM. I plan to dream of a better future for my family and friends. I am hoping if I spend 2012 dreaming of all that 'could be' - I will spend 2013 making it all happen. It may seem lazy to just "dream" but I think I have spent most of my adult life - just living in the moment. Thinking that whatever was happening was the way it had to be. I've never had big dreams for myself. I've always been pretty happy with being average. I was an average student, an average cheerleader, an average wife and mother.....I want to dream of more than that and find a way to make it happen. I want to dream of all the great things my two children can and will accomplish in life. They are reason I realized dreams are even possible. Who, in a million years, would have dreamed I would have a smart, athletic and amazing child like Ashton? Certainly not me, but now I want to dream of all that her future can hold.
I want to dream of a day that brings my family financial stability. I want to dream of a new home with space for everyone to be together or find a quiet place to be alone. I want to dream of reaching my weigh loss goal and being a healthier version of me. I am not sure any of those dreams can become a reality in 2012 (except hopefully the last one) but if I can make those dreams vivid enough - maybe 2013 will see them become a Reality!!
I want to dream of a day that brings my family financial stability. I want to dream of a new home with space for everyone to be together or find a quiet place to be alone. I want to dream of reaching my weigh loss goal and being a healthier version of me. I am not sure any of those dreams can become a reality in 2012 (except hopefully the last one) but if I can make those dreams vivid enough - maybe 2013 will see them become a Reality!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)