Loss

Loss is all around me these days.....the loss of a beloved family member, friends losing parents, the loss of my memory and some days my mind and a loss of weight. This is my story on the only happy loss in my life......

In May of 2010, my father emailed me about his "latest brainstorm". A friend of the family had recently seen quick and seemingly easy success with losing weight thru a program called Slim 4 Life. My father and I had both let our weight get completely out of control but neither of us thought we had gotten "too big". However, we both thought the other better get themselves under control before it was too late. My father feared I would become a diabetic just like my great grandmother, grandmother and uncle. I feared he would stroke out or have a heart attack from all the excess weight he was carrying in his stomach and chest. When my father sent that fateful email, I figured it was another "hairbrained impulsive" idea just like most of his ideas and if I kept real quiet and still - it would go away. However, next thing I know he's dragging my brother to the S4L center to see what it was all about. Then I'm being told that I have to show up for my first meeting at the center that following Thursday. Doubtful, irritated, dubious, hesitant were just a few words to describe what I was feeling the days leading up to my first appointment at S4L. I remained all of those things thru the meeting and even for that first week while I binged on all the protein I could stuff in my face and began the "cleansing process". I was so determined to make this work for my father - thankful that he was willing to do this for himself. It still never crossed my mind that I had a lot of weight to lose. Even when I stepped on the scale for the first time and they registered a weight of 268.7 - it still didn't register that not only had I gotten really big but I was almost 20 lbs higher than my "high weight" (the weight I told myself I'd never ever go above under any circumstances).

Feeling tremendous guilt over the amount of money my father was spending for the two of us to give this a go - I jumped in with both feet. I cut out Diet Coke, alcohol, almost all starch and began a new 800 - 1000 calorie a day diet plan. I liked that the plan encouraged a Food Pyramid style of living - protein, fruit, veggies, limited starch and fat. Considering I must have been existing on over twice that amount of calories on a good day, the switch was easier than I thought. However, there were days that all I could do was obsess about food. Then there were days that I had to force myself to eat everything I was supposed to in a day. They told me repeatedly that eating all the food and supplements every day was an important part of this process. Lo' and behold, the days I did as recommended were the days I lost weight. Go figure!

I'm not done by a long shot but I am down about 53 lbs. I want to get down to about 180 but have been stuck at around 215 for about six weeks. It's self sabotage for sure. Loss of focus. Life got in the way. Whatever it is, I'm well aware that my journey is not over and the longest part is still ahead of me. I'm proud of the fact that I made it thru the holidays without gaining but on the flip side - I should be at my goal already and that didn't happen so I am disappointed in myself.

Just as I am almost to the mindset that I need to get 100% back on track - I see someone who hasn't seen me in awhile. They will go on and on about how great I look and how proud they are of me. Boy is that a great feeling but the downside is that I start buying into the idea that maybe I don't need to lose anymore. Heck, size 14 is a great size to be! Everyone is proud of me, right? But I know it's not good enough. 215 is too close to 225 which leads to 250 and so on. I have to get myself back on track............so that I can continue this amazing journey of good loss!

2012 - I have a DREAM

So it's that time of year where I'm going to pick my Word of the Year! Funny thing is, the past few years I've struggled with my word because nothing jumped out at me. This year - the word came to me long before 2011 ended. My word is DREAM. I plan to dream of a better future for my family and friends. I am hoping if I spend 2012 dreaming of all that 'could be' - I will spend 2013 making it all happen. It may seem lazy to just "dream" but I think I have spent most of my adult life - just living in the moment. Thinking that whatever was happening was the way it had to be. I've never had big dreams for myself. I've always been pretty happy with being average. I was an average student, an average cheerleader, an average wife and mother.....I want to dream of more than that and find a way to make it happen. I want to dream of all the great things my two children can and will accomplish in life. They are reason I realized dreams are even possible. Who, in a million years, would have dreamed I would have a smart, athletic and amazing child like Ashton? Certainly not me, but now I want to dream of all that her future can hold.

I want to dream of a day that brings my family financial stability. I want to dream of a new home with space for everyone to be together or find a quiet place to be alone. I want to dream of reaching my weigh loss goal and being a healthier version of me. I am not sure any of those dreams can become a reality in 2012 (except hopefully the last one) but if I can make those dreams vivid enough - maybe 2013 will see them become a Reality!!