Being Grown Up Stinks

Yep.....I've come to the realization that I'm tired of being the adult all the time. I want that time back when nothing phased me. I could float thru life without a care in the world and let my parents be the ones to deal with all the hard stuff in life. They did a bang up job of protecting me from the bad stuff. Now, I'm the one protecting my kids and dealing with the issues of life head on.

After losing my mother in law and two grandfathers in the past few years, I've come to realize that part of being the grown up is handling the loss of loved ones with dignity and respectability. Sure you grieve, sure you cry but you are only allowed to do so at the appropriate times and in the appropriate manner. It's not appropriate to bust out screaming and crying at your desk at work. It is not appropriate to cry your way thru Walmart. Instead, you try your best to bite the inside of your lower lip, keep the tears in check and pretend you have no feelings. Then when you are alone in your car, alone at your house, hiding in your closet - you can let the tears flow but still not to the full degree that you'd like. You still have to worry that your spouse, your children or a stranger might catch you in the act and that is just not acceptable adult behavior.

Kids have it good. If they lose something or someone they love - they can throw a fit, bawl their eyes out, scream at the world for letting them down! If they are physically or emotionally hurt - no one has to guess how a kid feels about it. You will know how they feel in less than 2 seconds and you will not be allowed to forget it until they are ready to let it go themselves.

When I lost my grandfather in May, I wanted to throw myself on the floor, kick and scream to the heavens about how unfair it was that God took him before I was ready for him to go. I never did that. I found out he was gone while I sat at my desk at work. I didn't even cry because I didn't want my co-workers to see weakness. I controlled my emotions, kept my tears in check and held on until I could leave at 4:30 and then cried the whole way home in the car. It was still a controlled cry because I was worried of what the other drivers might think if I were truly bawling. At the viewing and funeral, I held it together because I'm the oldest grandchild and I wanted my brother and cousins to feel that they could turn to me if necessary. I didn't want them to see me fall apart. I didn't want them to see me let go of all the emotions pent up. I certainly didn't want to make my father or grandmother cry so I was strong. I noticed they were both doing the same thing. A wonderful man had left our lives, a man who had spent his life always being there for his wife, his sons and his grandchildren. A man who never told any of us 'no'. Here he was lying in that casket and we were all trying to pretend everything was going to be fine. Every now and then, you would see someone silently sobbing or see a few tears run down a cheek but no one ever just lost it - except my 14 and 17 yr. old cousins and that was acceptable because they are just kids.

I know I've reached that age where there will be hard times, loss of loved ones, and bad things and I know that I will be the adult and hold it together and be stong for my kids, my husband, my parents, my cousins, etc. All I can think when that realization strikes me is that being a grown up really stinks......somedays I just want to be the kid!