Irony! That has to be what it is right, irony! I write a very lengthy blog about "Bad News" and not 2 hours later, I get a call from my very freaked out daughter informing me that my mother had driven herself and the kids to the doctors office and now needed a ride to the emergency room. It seems during lunch Mom started feeling a pressure in her chest, followed by pain, lightheadness and a tingly sensation all over. She calmly dropped my brother off at his friends house for a weekend trip without saying a word to him that she was feeling bad. She then drove straight to the doctor's office w/o a word to my kids. My daughter knew something was up but did her best to not ask any questions. The doctor couldn't see my mom (long rant for another day maybe) but the nurse that checked her out in the waiting room said that it would be best if she go to an ER for immediate attention. By the time I flew to the dr's, there was already an ambulance and fire truck in the parking lot. My heart did a complete flip when I saw them because I knew they were there for her. I walked in the door and there about 5 paramedics and fire fighters jamming up this little room trying to convince my stubborn mother to get on the gurney and go with them to Baylor Grapevine. My kids looked frightened. My mother looked terrified. I did my best to hold back the tears and be brave for all three of them. Finally, they put Mom on the gurney and wheeled her out to the ambulance. That is when my daughter lost all composure and fell apart. As I held her and my son, I didn't know what to do next so we all just stood there while she cried.
After the ER decided it best to admit her for the night for further testing and monitoring, I went home to get her creature comforts. A and I came back up to the hospital in time to hear the admit nurse asking my mother all the important questions - name, address, social, bday, age....that's when it hit me - my mother is 60. I've never thought of my mother as old. I'm not saying 60 is old but in that moment in time - it seemed ancient. She looked 60. I've never ever thought my mother looked her age - good genes - my grandmother certainly doesn't look 84. In that moment in time, I realized that my parents are old. My parents are at that stage in life where things start falling apart and the likelihood of things killing them has increased. I'm not really sure I was ready to face that conclusion - are we ever ready for that? I just know that suddenly my invincible mother seems so vulnerable and it makes me feel so old as well.
My mother has never taken care of herself because she's always too busy taking care of others. My kids are a perfect example - how many grandmothers give as much of their time to their grandchildren as my mother does? She had practically raised them both for me while I worked. She is still raising her 34 year old son that might never grow up and my father is incapable of taking care of himself because he doesn't know how. She is the coordinator of the care of both of my grandmothers from across the country. She is the 'go to' person for all her friends and family when they are sick and need medical advice. Besides watching my kids full time, she is also the accountant for my dad's company (her trade is lab technician - not accounting) and the gopher for the company on a daily basis. Her new house has been in turmoil since the day they moved in and the painters started gutting the interior. Between the fumes and the mess, I cannot believe it took her this long to show signs of health problems.
Of course, since she lost her own father in Dec. 2006, she hasn't been the same. She isn't as caring or tolerant of others as she once was. I think losing her daddy hardened her and because of all the demands on her time - she never had time to grieve the way she needed to.
Thinking about my daughter's face on Friday when I walked into the doctor's office just tears me up. The one upside is it has made me re-evaluate my own health. Heart disease is hereditary. My grandmother and now my mother have heart problems. The weight I carry around is no good for my heart. I don't want to ever see my own daughter or grandchildren have that look of fear in their faces for me someday. It is time I stop worrying about the unimportant things in life and concentrate of my own health and that of those I love. Although it's hard to think of eating right and exercising when my focus needs to be on reducing my Mom's stress - I think if I were to get in shape, it would reduce some stress in her life as I'm sure she worries about my health as much as I worry about hers.
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