Mid Life Crisis???

So when my husband was just about my age, he lost his job as the manager of a Note Lot. After 12 + years at that dealership and 14 total years in the business, he was a lost sheep for almost a year after he was fired. He didn't want to be in the car business anymore and honestly, after 9/11, it wasn't such a good business to be in anymore anyway. So I sat back for months while he drew unemployment and struggled over what would be his "next big thing" career-wise. Money was already tight as the car business had been back sliding for years and half his salary was commission based. His $1400/month in unemployment didn't come close to covering the bills and since he was fired on Halloween day, Christmas was just around the corner. I tried so hard to be patient. I bit my tongue so much during those days that I swear my tongue is an inch shorter than it used to be! I wanted so much to be a supportive wife and give him room to find his next career but he didn't seem exactly motivated in any direction at that point. Looking back, he'd lost his mother a few years before and we'd just had a baby (who didn't sleep) that previous December. His life had taken alot of severe turns in a short period of time. It wasn't that he didn't want to work - he just didn't know what he wanted to be when he grew up anymore. He was fired for no reason and that was a deep gash to his pride. He was no longer providing for his family and was incapable of putting together a way to fix that.

My father actually came to our rescue and hired my husband to work in the insurance business. Even that was a struggle at first financially because the business was new and small and Dad didn't have much to pay. DH proved himself as a great marketer and hard worker and helped launch a pretty successful little company that now employs another underwriter, my brother, my mother and even me part time (2nd job). I know this wasn't his dream job and working for my father is a nightmare unto itself but DH gives it his best effort and trys not to complain too much.

Fast forward 3 years and I find myself doing the same sort of mental questioning that he was. I have not been fired. Quite the contrary, I think my boss would be shocked and devastated if I were to quit. However, I find myself on a daily basis questioning if the stress level of this job is worth it in the grand scheme of things. I'm not crazy or selfish enough to quit w/o thinking thru the long term consequences of my actions. #1 - I am the health, dental and life insurance provider for the whole family. My father does not offer insurance thru his company. I don't blame him but it does limit my options when I start thinking about quitting my current job. #2 - I actually make a decent salary for the amount of hours I actually work and the benefits are phenomenal. #3 - I actually like what I do and what I've learned. So why quit, right?

Well for one, my boss and one remaining coworker are trying drive me crazy. They are two of the moodiest men I've ever come into contact with in my entire life. I try so hard to rise above their petty behavior but find myself wallowing in it more and more each day. Next is the fact that even though I only work 7 hours a day, I spend 2 more each day in traffic so I'm really getting less time with my family, my home and myself then I have at any other job where I worked longer hours. With gas prices thru the roof, I sometimes question how much of a paycut I could afford to take and work somewhere closer to home.

I guess the thing bothering me the most these days is the fact that all I can think about anymore is that I'm wasting my life at this job and it's time to find my "next big thing". I love to scrapbook but do not think I'm creative enough to turn that into a lucrative business. People like their scrapbook advisor to create great projects that they can sponge (or scraplift) from. I don't do that kind of work. I am organized enough to be an event planner but that might be a job that requires too many hours for my taste. If I'm going to jump from a stressful job and too many hours in the car - I don't want to commit to something that would give me less time with my family, home and self. I also don't want to jump into a "commission" type job because I really enjoy knowing each month what DH and I are going to make.

I don't know where these thoughts are leading but I'm beginning to understand the meaning of "mid life crisis". I'm fast approaching 40 (can you say 7 months away) and I just feel a little worthless right now. I'm not depressed but I am stressed. The bags under my eyes are dark enough now that even concealer doesn't help. I'll keep you posted on my plans towards my "next big thing".