Nerd

As my daughter has excelled in all things book and studies related, I've had the fear that eventually her brains would cause a problem in the social aspects of her life. I think it is a pretty common fear as a parent that your child might not be accepted by others, might not be popular enough for your standards, or might be a social outcast. This is a part of your child's life that you have little or no control over. You just have to sit back helplessly as your son or daughter struggles to find where they fit in their world.

Fourth grade was the first signs of trouble. A had a core group of friends since kindergarten and I honestly hoped they'd all stay friends thru High School. Foolish Mommy! In fourth grade, new kids started coming into our school and new allegiances and social groups were formed. A teetered on the edge of the popular group because she'd been part of the group for so long. However, she's not the type of kid to choose sides in a battle or gossip about a friend so this started causing some issues over the past few years. The leaders wanted easy to manipulate type followers and my daughter just doesn't have it in her to be that type of follower. Although very proud of her ability to stay strong during these times, I knew it was going to lead to trouble as the years went on. She's not pushy enough to be the leader of the popular kids although she will gladly lead a project or team for any school assignment.

In fifth grade, she started hanging out with a few girls who had splintered off from the popular group and they tried to pretend that it was by choice. They loved to gossip and malign the popular kids any chance they got. I warned A not to get swept up in their pettiness because I knew it was just their way of dealing w/ the rejection from the group and if given the chance, they'd dive back into that group and turn against all other friends w/o a 2nd thought. Luckily, A listened and tried balancing between her two groups. Problem with that was it left her on the edge of both groups and not really a member of either.

This year, the lines are really blurred because their class of 75 is now a class of 530. New friends are falling into the groups. New allegiances are being formed. The group of friends that A had been close to since kindergarten was now growing and adding in kids from other groups. As this group added in students, the focus on grades and challenging each other to be the best academically was being traded for who wore the best clothes and who was "going with" who. Although A has the right clothes, she does not have a boyfriend like most of the other girls in the group. Her fringe group of friends from fifth grade do not have boyfriends but they seem to be fading away since they do not share many classes together this year.

I honestly was unaware of how much this social drama was effecting A until Saturday night when my friend Ms. K dropped off something at my house and mentioned she'd just dropped off her 6th grader at another girl's Halloweeen party. A overhead and when Ms. K had left, my daughter finally let me in on a little secret - she thinks she's a nerd. Apparently, there were three Halloween parties planned for this past weekend and A was not invited to any of them. Two were hosted by popular kids and one by a not popular kid from her old school. Most of her friends were invited to one or more of these parties and she wanted to know why she wasn't. She declared it was because of all the 'stupid honors' she'd received this year and the kids were starting to pull away from her because she was too smart and a goody two shoes. Okay......here's the crux of my problem - I was a High School Cheerleader (captain for two years for goodness sake) - what do I know about being too smart or unpopular? I had to dig deep to a time when we first moved to TX and I was the "new kid" and had to work my way into the hearts of my fellow classmates. That didn't help because I was the outsider because I was new. So I had to dig back even further to when I went to a prestigious Catholic School and all the kids wore Izod and my clothes were homemade and my closest friend was a renowned bugger eater and I was chastised constantly for not controlling her eating habits. Yes, that was the appropriate time to put myself in A's place. I wasn't unpopular due to my brains (that could never happen to me) but I was unpopular because I wasn't rich, wasn't dressed right and had the wrong friend.

Once I had my mindset right, I was able to comfort A the best I could. I reminded her that these parties probably had limits as to how many kids could be invited and if she were to have a party and I told her she could invite 10-15 friends - would the hosts/hostesses of the three parties in question be on her guest list. After a few moments of serious consideration, she smiled and said that only one would have been and he would not have been in the top 10. I honestly do not know how big these parties were but making her realize that these parties were not hosted by her closest friends seemed to make a difference for the moment.

My daughter is not a nerd (not that there is anything wrong w/ being a nerd). She's an athlete and I think next year when she can join the tennis team at school, her world will change again for the better. In the meantime, I think sixth grade is going to be a year of mixed emotions - so many kuddos for academic achievements and so many tears for social inadequacies. All I can do as her mother is keep returning to my 6th grade year and try to remember what it was like to be the only kid not wearing that stupid alligator on my white blouse and knee high socks every day. I just wish I hadn't fried so many brain cells since then as it might be easier to put myself in her shoes.